Fwd: Unbelievable!

"The scary part is that my uncle thinks this could be real." -Jessie

---begin forwarded message---

Can you believe this?

WASHINGTON , DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which

will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No

Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by

advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive

necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"

said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and

allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this

legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to

a small group of workers simply because they have some idea of what

they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi

and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S.

Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing

opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of

postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single

largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against

the Inept include retail sales (72%), the fast food industry (68%), and

home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government

level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of

hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle

man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but

little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose

and performance.

Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given, to

guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The

legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote

a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle management

positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses

that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more

difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled -- banning, for example,

discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or

experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who

have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her

position as a lugnut twister at a GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to

her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help

people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of

other untalented citizens will finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe

the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to

every American with No Abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to

provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her

inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."


Mike Ballard said...

Hurry, before "The Onion" grabs it!

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