FW: Short History Lesson

This one was forwarded from my dad. It is one of my favorites! I hope this is just hint of what's to come this election season. Manly men, you have no choice but to vote rightly with your grillin' tongs; ladies, save us all. I beg you.

---Begin forwarded message---
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, fighter pilots, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberal women usually have higher testosterone levels than their men folk. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, IRS auditors, Hollywood Actors/singers, and group therapists are liberals. By the way, it was liberals that invented the designated hitter rule because they felt it was unfair to make a pitcher also have to bat.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a strong urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tic them off.

FW: Fw: GI Humor

I'll say it: American GIs have NO sense of humor.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Who says the American GI has no sense of humor!!!!

Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL.com.

Electronic Privacy Notice. This e-mail, and any attachments, contains information that is, or may be, covered by electronic communications privacy laws, and is also confidential and proprietary in nature. If you are not the intended recipient, please be advised that you are legally prohibited from retaining, using, copying, distributing, or otherwise disclosing this information in any manner. Instead, please reply to the sender that you have received this communication in error, and then immediately delete it. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Fwd: A Bit Scary

MRWD fan Kevin netted this whooper in his in-box from his brother in Alabama: "A Christian Right-wing attach on the Islamic faith. Nice!"

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Something to ponder?

I checked this out at the following web page and it is true.


...A Bit Scary
This is very interesting and just a bit scary ... The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States , especially in the minority races!!!
Allah or The Lord Jesus Christ? ... By Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs. I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?" There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers! " I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?" The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of "a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!"

The Imam was speechless! I continued, "I also have problem with being your 'friend' when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?" You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were Not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. To elect the President!
I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this, but with the Liberal justice system, liberal me dia and the ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized.

Please pass this on to all your e-mail contacts. This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry. The Man who walks with God always gets to his destination.

If you have a pulse you have a purpose.


Here's a colorful entry found by John R.:
"I think this was supposed to be semi-uncomfortable humor, but ultimately self-deprecating, so it's funny, right?... It's written in big, multi-colored font, so it most likely originated within the older-middle-class-white-forwarded-email community. The email I received of course had the entire history of who had sent it previously (including the contents of their address books) and had the email actually pasted twice within the body of the email, as per the standard design style of such emails....

Good blog you have. Someone needs to catalog this phenomenon. "

---------- Forwarded message ----------


This was written by a black gentleman in Texas
And is so funny. What a great sense of humor
And creativity!!!
When I was born, I was black,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You "white" folks....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY .
So who y'all callin'
C O L O R E D folks?

Live, Laugh, and Love

Fwd: Fwd: Fw: Toys

Here's another donation from Dana. Full disclosure: I, uh, made a "ha!" noise after reading it.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

>>>> > Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer says, "Female"
>>>> >
>>>> > Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer says, "White"
>>>> >
>>>> > Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
>>>> >
>>>> > Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
>>>> >
>>>> >

[Fwd: Fwd: Fw: Republicans and Democrats]

"Hi. ... I have an old friend who likes to send me this garbage, and even though he's never struck me as a hard-line wingnut, I also don't think he's very bright. He just thinks these things are funny/profound, and it gives him something to do. I guess. I don't have the heart to ask him to remove me from his forwarding list, and sometimes I even fire back a rebuttal. He says, "Hey, I didn't write it, I just send it on."

Anyway, now I have someone to forward these to - you.

Enjoy. Er, if that's the word for it.


Thanks Dana. Forwards are a very delicate matter. Feelings are at stake. I think many people see them as a way of relating to far away friends with minimal effort. Sort of like a free, one-click greeting card minus the personal note at the bottom. Are the right-wingers taking advantage of this easy means of relating?
--Forwarded Message--
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of
them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

Check it out! ACTUAL LEFTIST FORWARD! Fwd: George W. Bush's Iraq War Freedom Cake (Extra Rich Recipe)

Another from Kristopher, "A classic - though somewhat left wing..."

--Forwarded Message--

Found at an anti-bush protest in New York.

George W. Bush's Iraq War Freedom Cake
(Extra Rich Recipe)

Preheat a gas oven to 911 F. In a small bowl mix together one unfairly
selected president, a vice president with corporate ties and a
neo-conservative agenda. In a large pan, take the grief from a tragic
national incident and place on stove, turning heat to high. Scramble
the truth and slowly add grief while whipping war on terrorism and
axis of evil propaganda until firmly set. Carefully fold in lies and
confusion. (For darker recipe, use a black National Security Advisor
and Secretary of State to distract from racist implications of the war
while placing AIDS, unemployment and the black community on a back
burner.) Divide country and cut all dissenters of war into small
pieces. Separate those who fit the war's racist profiling and freeze
anti-war discourse. Drain international goodwill and taxpayer's money
to fund war. (If you can't find any weapons of mass destruction, you
may substitute the liberation of the Iraqi people instead.) Cover (up)
all dead U.S. troops and Iraqi casualties while thickening combined
batter with grandiose statements like "Mission Accomplished" and
"Bring it On." Grease pans generously with oil from Iraq and cover
finished cake with American and Iraqi blood.

Serves none.

By Max Gordon

Fwd: CHEAP LABOR? Interesting

Thanks to Kristopher's forward, I now understand where the graffiti menace originates. Farm laborers. "Enjoy..."

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Wow...I never thought of it this way.

Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs

But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a
myth, a farce, and a lie. there is no such thing as "cheap labor."

Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He
takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00/hour. At that wage, with six
dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he
files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to
$3,200 free.

! He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent

He qualifies for food stamps

He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care

His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school

He requires bilingual teachers and books

He qualifies for relief from high energy bills

If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI.
Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is
at taxpayer's expense

He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance.

Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.

He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits.

Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after
paying their bills and his.

The American taxpayer's also pay for increased crime, graffiti and
trash clean-up.

Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people!


This is marvelous.

--Begin forwarded message--


$104,655.60 Ad in the Washington Post

Here is someone with the money to fund a rebuttal to what Howard Dean, Democratic National Committee Chairman, said recently that many Republican have never done an honest day's work in their life. The following full page ad was placed in the Washington Post by a businessman named George J. Esseff, Sr. He paid $104,655.60 to run the ad and only did it because he is sick and tired of the way that "the rich" are portrayed by liberals these days. It is a great read.


Maybe you're a Republican?

In today's America ask a growing number of high school and college students, their teachers and professors, the self-anointed media elite and/or hard working men and women of all ethnicities, the question, "What is a Republican?" and you'll be told ".. a rich, greedy, egotistical individual, motivated only by money and the desire to accumulate more and more of it, at the expense of the environment, the working poor....and all whom they exploit..."

I am a Republican - And I am none of those things....and I don't know any Republicans who are!

WHAT I AM first and foremost, is a loving husband of some 52 plus years, the father of four and an American who's proud of his country...and his country's heritage

WHAT I AM is the grandson of immigrants who risked every-thing, including their lives and those of their children, to escape tyranny in search of freedom.

WHAT I AM is a man who grew up during the Depression and witnessed first hand the effects of the Stock Market crash and the soup lines that followed. I watched as both my parents and grand parents, who had very little themselves, share what food they had with a half dozen other families, who had even less.

WHAT I AM is someone who worked his way through college by holding down three and four jobs at a time and then used that education to build a better life.

WHAT I AM is a husband who at age 24 started his own business for the "privilege" of working 60, 70 and 80 hours a week, risking everything I had including my health, in search of a better life for myself and my loved ones.

WHAT I AM is a businessman whose blood, sweat and tears....and plenty of them..., made it possible for me to provide a secure living not only for my family and myself, but also for literally hundreds of my employees throughout the years. Employees who in turn were able to buy their own homes, raise their own families and give back to their communities and their country.

WHAT I AM is a man who believes in God; a God who has blessed this country... and all for which it stands.

WHAT I AM is someone who knows, if you doubt miracles exist in today's world, you need only to look into the face of those who received them....and the eyes of those who give them.

WHAT I AM is an American who's proud that his President embraces a belief in God; proud of a President who understands, as "politically incorrect" as it may be, there is evil in this world and for the security and safety of all freedom loving people everywhere, it must be confronted...and it must be defeated.

WHAT I AM is an American who takes comfort in the knowledge that our President refuses to allow decisions concerning the very safety and security of this nation, to be governed by the political whims of foreign governments.

WHAT I AM is tired of hearing from leading Democrats who see only negativity in America; racism in her people; class warfare in her society and "political incorrectness" in her character.

WHAT I AM is a former democrat who now understands that it is the soldier and not the reporter that guarantees us our freedoms of press, speech and dissent.

WHAT I AM is a man who believes in the sanctity of life. A man who is repulsed by the pandering of the political left for votes, at the expense of the unborn.

WHAT I AM is a husband and father who believes in the sanctity of marriage and the preservation of the family unit.

WHAT I AM is a ex-movie goer who is repulsed by those insecure, socially inept, elementary thinking, ego-inflated "entertainers" who have appointed themselves "experts" in the fields of national security and geo-politics and then use their forum to attack this nation, its leaders and its actions....much to the delight and encouragement of our enemies.

WHAT I AM is an American who understands the difference between "censorship" and "choice." Evidently, these individuals do not, because when these same "celebrities" receive public ridicule for their offensive actions, the first thing they yell is "censorship." What they seem incapable of understanding is...the right of free speech and dissent is shared equally by those offended...as well as those who offend. I support and will continue to support those films and performers whom I choose to and refuse to support those I don't. It is my right as an American a right I will continue to enthusiastically exercise.

WHAT I AM is a voter, tired of politicians who every time their voting records are subjected to public scrutiny, try to divert attention from their political and legislative failures by accusing their opponents of "attack ads" and "negative campaigning"....and the news media who allow them to get away with it.

WHAT I AM is a Catholic who loves his God and his Faith....and who's been taught to respect all religions whose teachings are based in love, peace and charity. As such, I am embarrassed and ashamed of those individuals in both private and public life whose decisions and actions are devoid of any sense of character or morals; individuals who are only driven by what's best for them....rather than what's right... often times at the expense of many....including our national security.

WHAT I AM is a realist who understands that the terrorist attack that murdered hundreds of innocent Russian children could have occurred here, in our heartland. That's why I sincerely believe America needs now, more than ever, a President who sees with a clear and focused vision and who speaks with a voice when heard by both friend and foe alike is understood, respected and believed.

WHAT I AM is eternally grateful to Ronald Reagan for having the bravery to speak out against Communism and the courage of his convictions in leading the fight to defeat it; and George W. Bush for the vision, courage, conviction and leadership he has shown in America's war on terrorism amidst both the constant and vicious, personal and political attacks both he and his family are made to endure.

WHAT I AM is a human being, full of numerous faults and failures, but a man nonetheless who though not always successful has continually strived to do "what's right" instead of "what's easy." A man who is challenging the religious leaders of all faiths, to not only preach to their congregations the fundamentals of "what's right" and "what's wrong," but to also then hold them accountable for their actions in both the public and private sectors.

WHAT I AM is disgusted with the Courts who on one hand call the murder of a pregnant woman a "double homicide," but then refer to the abortion of her baby as "pro-choice".

WHAT I AM is someone deeply troubled by a political party which embraces a candidate whose primary "leadership" qualities center around his protesting of the Vietnam war and his labeling the honorable men and women who fought in it, (50,000 of whom gave their lives in that action), as rapists, and war criminals (John Kerry). That same political party then stepped forward this year to block the appearance of a true Vietnam war hero, retired Admiral and former United States Senator, Jeremiah Denton, (a man who spent seven years and seven torturous months in a North Vietnam prison), from speaking before an open session of the California legislature as part of that state's 4th of July celebration. The reason Democrats gave for refusing to allow this American hero to speak! before their state legislature was because of the "conservative" nature of his views. As a n American, that troubles me deeply....as well it should you. (Are you listening Mr. D?)

WHAT I AM is a man who feels the need to spend, ONE HUNDRED &FOUR THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED &FIFTY FIVE DOLLARS ($104, 655.60, tax paid) of his own money, to purchase this advertisement, in order to set the story straight. Some may say this money would have been better spent feeding the world's poor. At the risk of sounding self-serving, as an American and as a Republican, for the last six decades of my life, I have done exactly that...and more. Following the examples of my parents and grand parents, I have used my earnings to feed the poor, shelter the homeless, provide housing for the elderly and medical care for the sick.....and continue to do so...and I'm not alone in that work.

WHAT I AM is someone who is paying for this announcement at my sole expense in hopes of opening the eyes of those led blindly by ill-informed elements of our great nation, who, through either ignorance, or malicious intent, repeatedly attack and belittle those of us who belong to a political party that holds true to the belief, "The rights of the governed, exceed the power of the government." For those interested, I am speaking only as a tax-paying individual who is in no way associated with the Republican National Committee, nor with any of its directors, or delegates.

WHAT I AM is a man who understands, "the American way of life" is a message of self-empowerment for all.

WHAT I AM is an American who is grateful that our nation gives each of us the opportunity of self-determination and the right to benefit from the fruits of self achievement.

WHAT I AM is an American who wants to preserve that way of life for all who seek it.

WHAT I AM is blessed to be an American.... and proud to be a Republican.

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