MyRightWingDad.net

> > Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
> >
> > BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it
> was time for a
> > change! The chicken wanted change!
> >
> > JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the
> road because he
> > recognized the need to engage in cooperation and
> dialogue with all
> > the chickens on the other side of the road...
> ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
> > SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA
> SHOOT HIS SORRY
> > LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!
> >
> > HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally
> helped that
> > little chicken to cross the road. This experience
> makes me uniquely
> > qualified to ensure right from Day One that every
> chicken in this
> > country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
> But then,
> > this really isn't about me.
> >
> > GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the
> chicken crossed the
> > road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our
> side of the
> > road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for
> us. There is
> > no middle ground here.
> >
> > DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
> >
> > COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can
> clearly see the
> > satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
> >
> > BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that
> chicken. What is
> > your definition of crossing?
> >
> > AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
> >
> > JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross
> the road, I am
> > now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I
> was misled
> > about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it
> now, and will remain
> > against it.
> >
> > AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need
> some black
> > chickens.
> >
> > DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this
> chicken won't
> > realize that he must first deal with the problem on
> this side of the
> > road before it goes after the problem on the other
> side of the road.
> > What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
> he's acting by not
> > taking on his current problems before adding new
> problems.
> >
> > OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
> problems, which
> > is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead
> of having the
> > chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which
> is a part of
> > life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that
> he can just drive
> > across the road and not live his life like the rest of
> the chickens.
> >
> > ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there
> is a chicken,
> > but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the
> other side of
> > the road.
> >
> > NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because
> he's guilty! You
> > can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
> >
> > PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent,
> hardworking American.
> >
> > MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way
> that chicken
> > was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers
> Market to sell my
> > eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No
> little bird gave
> > me any insider information.
> >
> > DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross
> it with a
> > toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
> crossed I've not
> > been told.
> >
> > ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
> >
> > JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't
> you people see the
> > plain truth? That's why they call it the other
> side. Yes, my
> > friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that
> chicken, you will
> > become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until
> we sort out
> > this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
> with seemingly
> > harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken
> should not be
> > crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as
> that.
> >
> > GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
> crossed the road.
> > Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
> that was good
> > enough.
> >
> > BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few
> moments, we will
> > be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
> the heart
> > warming story of how it experienced a serious case of
> molting, and
> > went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing
> the road.
> >
> > ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the
> road.
> >
> > JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
> crossing roads
> > together, in peace.
> >
> > BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which
> will not only
> > cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
> documents, and
> > balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an
> integral part of
> > eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable
> and will never
> > crash.
> >
> > ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the
> road, or did the
> > road move beneath the chicken?
> >
> > COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Thank you Andy for sending this, a resignation speech by George W. Bush. Let me just write that again.. ahem... A RESIGNATION speech from George W. Bush. Ahh. Is that as fun to read as it is to type? This email is a variation of an older entry, only with a nice intro and illustrative pictures of our chief executive. I must say, his speeches are much more impressive without actually hearing the delivery.

---begin forward---

Here's an article about a liberal blogger sneaking in to a CPAC rally, posing as a lobbyist for the American Milk Solids Council.

The convention will be attended, largely, by two groups of people: the mainline Republican rump of 19-percenters, who think George W. Bush is doing a Brownian heck of a job, and the radical right, who think that the problem with George is that he's not heartlessly conservative enough. To put it another way, here we have the people who look at the wreckage of the American 2000s and pronounce it a wonderful thing and the people who look at it and say, "Yeah, it's pretty awful, but if we tried, we could make it a whole lot worse."

[Thanks Ted and his sis. "My sister and I are avid fans of your blog. I've held off sending MY typical in-box share of bizarre rightwing forwards, but this one seemed special."
That it is, I will think twice about picking up a copy of The Times. Send more!]

-----Original Message-----
We all have our disagreements with President Bush. Immigration, U.S. Attorney firings, Iraq, Darfur, etc., are all hot topics these days. The following "speech" was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. An excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living. Sent with the author's permission.

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration.

I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property
than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that.

When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long
and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, f--k off.