Fw: Southern Rules

Subject: Southern Rules

This is absolutely priceless....and SOOOOOO true!!!! lol

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!!

1. Pull your droopy pants up.. You look like an

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a
"gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I
want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to
get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you.
They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it?
I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south.. Pick

5. So you have a $70,000 car. We're impressed. We
have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks
a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's
called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves
are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really
want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner
bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of
deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest
Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all
women, regardless of age.

11. We say "sir and ma'am",
"please and thank you", "excuse me and
I'm sorry" when we are wrong or impolite. Do
not make the mistake of thinking it makes us weak.
It's just good up-bringing.

12. No, there's no "vegetarian
special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &

13. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices:
salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care
what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

14. You bring "coke" into my house, it
better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring
"Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute,
know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang
site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the
water hazards -- it frightens the fish, and
aggravates the alligators.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have
State Universities , Universities,
and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a
love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody
when they come for the holidays.

18. Don't think that since we talk slow, we
think slow. You may be in for a

19. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will
get whipped by the best.

20. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That
thumpity-thump stuff ain't music, anyway. We don't
want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!
Refer back to #1!

A true southerner will send this to at least 10


gruaud said...

...and now a response from the liberal "elite".


ferschitz said...

I think this could be subtitled:

We're so proud to be fat, dumb, self-satisfied, iggorant fools.

I've been to the south: not impressed (esp w/the food, which I wouldn't be so bragging about if I was them, which thankfully I'm not).


Celia said...

Now, I know America has a lot of places characterised by nothing much more than dust and cacti, but I'm pretty sure there are some cities in the Southern states too. Some of them even faintly liberal, if people are telling the truth about Austin. At least, I think it was Austin.

Also, the thing about the trousers and caps isn't "Southern", it's just "old and grumpy" and you can get that everywhere.

Bebe 99 said...

I've been to the south and found it to have many wonderful people and they ARE friendly. We also wave in Vermont, and Illinois--its called living in the countryside. We also have horses and cattle there too.

It's not that someone even wrote all this down--the problem is that there are people who aren't southerners and don't live in the country but they think this kind of celebration of Arrogantly Stupid-America is great enough to forward. I hate that foreigners can read this.

gruaud said...

As an aside, I've been to Dixie many times and parts of
the South are so beautiful it takes my breath away. And the food in Louisiana is fantastic. Crawfish Etoufee maay be my favorite dish of all time.

But the widespread overt reactionary streak kinda
harshes my buzz.

ferschitz said...

Hey Gruaud - agreed re cusine in Louisanna. I wasn't considering that part of traditional southern "cooking," which definitely tends to be breaded & deep-fried and good luck getting a salad.

I've seen jokes like this in the past and chuckled at them. Given the nasty, attacking, harsh & incendiary atmosphere engendered by the rightwing these days, such jokes no longer carry much amusement value.

Anonymous said...

Austin isn't necessarily part of the south. Texas is a mix of southern & southwest, since it's so big, and Austin's in the middle. It certainly is nothing like what's described in this forward.
in addition, Austin is more than just faintly liberal. It is quite liberal.
Don't forget that Dallas has now gone blue, San Antonio always was, so was the Rio Grande Valley & El Paso, and Houston's on the verge. As Texas is becoming an increasingly urban state, they will once again shift blue.
Please keep in mind that until the re-redistricting of 2003, the majority of the Texas Delegation in Congress was Democratic.

So please folks, try to stop hating on Texas. It's not as bad as people paint it to be.

Tootseye said...

A friend of mine wrote a version of Southern "rules" some years ago after he visited the south for the first time in many years; he was entitled bc he was born in Mississippi & lived there thru grade school years.

His joke was funny & poked fun in a gentle way, but agree w/ferschitz that the nasty tone set by wingers since Reagan years but esp since 11/4/08 makes such "jokes" like this one no longer all that funny.

And don't worry, Anon, most of get that Tejas is, thankfully, trending blue. I understand that Gov Hair Perry may be in some trouble lately. Now if only you could get another Dem in the Gov. Mansion, rather than Kaye Baily Hutcheson, there would be something to look forward to.

Anonymous said...

No golf in the south? Isn't THE most elite golf tournament in the world held there at a club that does not open its doors for women no matter how old they are?

Celia said...

Anonymous #1, I didn't mean to hate on Texas. I'm just ignorant, not even being from the USA and all. Sorry if I offended you :(

Anonymous said...

Re Anon & the august Augusta Invitiational Golf tourney: yeah no wimminz allowed, and until Tiger Woods, they didn't let in teh "n" words or teh joos, either. And there was a lotta argumenting & voting & stuff re Tiger getting to play on their lily white...uh.. greens & such. We'll have to wait for a jooesh golf supahstah to see if they let teh joos play there or not.

Anonymous said...

Hey Celia - that's ok. It's hard to differentiate the local stuff sometimes. Your comments are good value.

BrianX said...

Yep, no Coke or Mary Jane for them... they'll stick with good ol' Tina.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Celia, you're totally forgiven :)
However, if you ever get a chance to visit Austin, you should. It's gorgeous.

dave said...

This blog broadcasts from the South (Asheville, N.C.).

This RW FWD: does not reflect my southern experience at all. The South isn't just a region of damn mean "Larry the Cable Guy" types with guns in one hand and KJV Bibles in the other.

Asheville rocks. Come visit. Mary Jane is welcome, too.

curator, MRWD
Avant Gardener

Anonymous said...

Hey Dave - U R srsly out of date. Wait for the RWF: the nutjobs at Conservapedia are NOW re-writing the KJV Bible to be more conservative!!! I shit you not; this is not snark. It's all over the 'net, but check out the great orange Satan for a list of how they're gettin' 'er done (too effen much even for me):


Anonymous said...

Austin is quite liberal, the University of Texas at Austin is one of the world's top schools and VegNews Magazine rates Austin as one of the country's most vegetarian-friendly cities. I wonder how Gov. "let's secede from the union" Rick Perry can stand it there.

Anonymous said...

These veiled cutesy ones piss me off the most, for some reason.

"Innocent" stuff about waving and condiments and sports, right?

But it just HAPPENS to be sprinkled with veiled racism, anti-urbanism, anti-liberalism, xenophobia, and threats of violence.

And no, it's NOT my imagination.

Veiled racism: The comments about fashion and stereos that clearly reference urban blacks.
Veiled anti-urbanism: We drive pick-ups and appreciate cattle; you drive a Lexus, are materialistic, and use drugs.
Anti-liberalism & xenophobia: The subtle disparagment of vegetarian and "foreign" foods, as well as anything that seems "urban".
Threats of violence: We have guns and know how to use them, we have lots of miliatary people who can beat you up, etc.

See what I mean? It's typical right-wing nastiness, once you look past the folksy sugar-coating.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, missed one:

Veiled accusations of anti-Americanism & lack of proper religiosity: "Educated" people down HERE love God and country - unlike you godless commies in OTHER parts of the country.

So...anybody still think this crap is innocent?

Anonymous said...

I love sushi AND crawfish.


ferschitz said...

I never thought any of this was cute, and I agree w/all of the veiled nastiness that Anon references.

I have seen things like in the past that were less nasty and were funny, poking fun in a much more gentle way.

I stand w/my first commentary that this bc of the way righties are now behaving these days - beligerant about everything, judgemental, self-entitled, constant attack for no reason, etc - "jokes" like this one are no longer even slightly amusing.

And I completely agree w/latter Anon commentary about the veiled racism, and so on. I noticed that as well.

Same old, different day. Sometimes the right can be somewhat subtle; usually they are more blatant. Unfun always.

Bebe 99 said...

Let's add sexism, while we're at it:
"You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute,
know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair."

LOL -- what if my long hair gets caught in the trigger thingy?

katz said...

The thing that bothers me is the celebration of lack of diversity. How does having vegetarian options on the menu hurt you if you're not a vegetarian? Why does it matter to you how someone else wears his hat? Neither of these stops you from ordering whatever you want and wearing your hat however you want.

Bebe 99 said...

When you come down to it katz the real psychology behind the right wing is that they never stopped being 7th graders. Which means everyone has to do life the same way, and if they don't they are obviously attacking the group by their lack of conformity. The only thing that varies is the degree to which they are willing to attack others for being different.

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