[Thanks Ted and his sis. "My sister and I are avid fans of your blog. I've held off sending MY typical in-box share of bizarre rightwing forwards, but this one seemed special."
That it is, I will think twice about picking up a copy of The Times. Send more!]
-----Original Message-----
We all have our disagreements with President Bush. Immigration, U.S. Attorney firings, Iraq, Darfur, etc., are all hot topics these days. The following "speech" was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. An excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living. Sent with the author's permission.
The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.
I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration.
I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property
than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that.
When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long
and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, f--k off.
Posts
5 comments:
Please Delete Prior Comment
Responding Speech to George W. Bush's Resignation Speech Someone SHOULD give:
To begin President Bush, from the majority of Americans I must say thank you for you sudden realization of the people's will and for finally taking responsibility in the manner forth given. However, though I fear this final result is in the best interests of all, after listening to your resignation speech, I sense that though the public will has leaked through into your bubble, full reality has yet to do so. Let me explain.
Though I am sure you feel that the media and politicians are against you, a den of vipers spitting poisonous lies while you are the stable pillar of truth in society, I fear that you are a bit delusional in this respect.
Lets begin local, as you did. I agree the majority believe the economy is unstable, but I don't feel your examples adequately address those concerns. While having more MINORITY homeowners is a wonderful thing, as you should know from Harvard Business school, the question isn't are there new homeowners, but how are they financing their homes. Debt rates across America have been reaching record levels, across the board, not just minorities. Using this as a rebuke to economic concerns points out ignorance of economics, and in no way calms fears. As for the unemployment rate, that is also not a sign of a healthy economy in itself. Yes, if employment is too low, it is bad. But as we have learned through countless economic examples, high employment rates don't necessarily mean a healthy economy, as many a depression, and recession right after bumper employment periods have shown. We have to look at the bigger picture to see if this is a good thing. Are people being able to meet subsistence needs with one job? Is the employment rise do to increases in individuals getting second jobs? Is this due to increases in married mothers having to work a job to make ends meet? From current data concerning wage rates vs. inflation, average family incomes, and the increases in working poor across the nation, the increase in employment doesn't seem to indicate a healthy economy, and many Americans realize this. Though you pointed out two seemingly nice indicators, in the big picture they aren't so rosy, and its because many people aren’t idiots, not visa versa.
The worrying thing about the economy, our dear Bush, is that it is slipping in the world market. Thanks to your great crusade, we have fallen into deficits and spending abroad, which as is generally agreed are not a really good thing. The main immediate consequence of them, which I hope you realize, into whose debt we slip in order to finance your escapades. As you talk tough about China, any individual with economic sense realizes that large amounts of the bonds issued to fund the wars are being purchased by China. And by holding those bonds, and with their large dollar holdings from metals, oils and so forth sold to the US for the war machine, they can effectively hedge and manipulate dollar exchange rates, basic econ. The other big purchaser of bonds is Japan, who has been able to hedge and manipulate interest rates in the past. Ever wonder why they sell so many cars and the exchange rate for yen stays low? Its not magic. By holding so many of these bonds, Japan and China each have the ability flood the market and cripple the US economy at whim. Great economic security. That is the outcome, and there are countless more that are evident, but I believe they may be a little to complicated for this moment.
Yes, the stock markets rebounded, which surprised practically no one. Economists and market drivers understand that the market retracts suddenly in times of shock and fear, and, unless there has been a change in the market and economic situation, they always recover quickly. 9/11 was a tragic event, which you have pointed out rather routinely lately, but it didn't really change the US economy, nor change the US market. Moreover, stock markets usually go Bull in times of war due to increase resource use and consumption, but are often unsustainable and short term. Moreover, the majority of corporate earnings increases were due to returns on great amount of international investments made in the mid and late 90's, which is part of the econ-cycle during Clinton. And yes, there are greater amounts of investors in the stock market, but that really is ambiguous. Remember, there are often record numbers of investors the day before a crash. I do not mean to say that there will be a crash, but I just wish to point out that you seem to look at very arbitrary signs to point out the health of the economy, and the stock market is only a part of a much larger system, and not the most accurate indicator in the least.
I agree about the gas prices, they are undervalued as is, its inevitable that they will go up.
As for your comment about economic security over what is I assume a side reference to global warming, may I quote a friend in saying " Are you a ****ing idiot?!!!". When exactly did we have to chose between economy and environment? Lets side step the scientific issue (won't say debate because the ratio of critics are about the same as critics of the Theory of Gravity at this point, not really a debate unless everything is) and just take it from an economic approach. You admit the price of oil is going up because of supply limits and demand, and the US infrastructure relies on oil more than any other energy resource. If you want economic security then moving in the same direction as the environmentalists towards energy efficiency is key. Stop pulling a straw man with the polar bear and beach front crap, you and I know that your implied threat to economic security is BS. Read the righting on the wall, go back and actually listen to those Prof. you had at Harvard, the US economy needs to make an energy shift fast and you don't want to change anything quickly. We need to shift from oil, and we need to shift from coal, if not because it is environmental, than simply because its economical. Economic security is jeopardized by not doing so, and the momentary alteration of the economy is what we must pay, just like all the economic shifts in the past.
Now for my the most difficult rebuke, Mr. President. The issue of security, war and the "Enemy".
Before beginning let me respond to your defense of "I didn't lie because I could have covered up my lie so you wouldn't find out" argument. Do you really take the American public as idiots? Obviously you do or else we wouldn't be in this situation, but this argument isn't going to slide. Though it sounds like a plausible argument at a very first glance (I am being nice), it is ridiculous. Faking such WMDs and plants would be nearly impossible, and very quickly found out. As any chemist will point out, there are incredible numbers of ways to verify that the WMDs were made in Iraq, and means to trace those that weren't. If the US is able to trace WMDs and their production simply through chemical testing and such, do you think that other nations cannot? Moreover, unless you can move back time, suddenly creating a "fake" plant would have been easily shown to be just that by tracking, satellite imagery, which is abundant, and basic investigation work. It can easily be said that the reason that you are shown to be innocent by the, ironically, lack of WMDs is simply because any idiot with common sense and a little education would have realized that it would have been impossible to do anything else if the WMDs weren't there already. Please stop that BS, and logical fallacies. Also, you can't blame faulty evidence when you ignored any contradictory evidence. This seems to be common problem with you. As we have seen in the Plame case, you weren't really open to any contradicting evidence, even when you had it pasted on the front page of the New York Times. But its nice that you wish to pass the buck, it shows strength, trust me.
And yes, Mr. President, we read the history books too, and we know President Clinton started the regime change policy. But if you were a little more truthful, you would realize that his policy and your policy, though both labeled "Regime Change" are completely different. President Clinton followed your father's approach of confinement, and pressure, with the hopes of internal regime change. Both of those presidents realized the impossibility of a full military invasion for regime change, but they were willing to support internal groups seeking to bring down the regime and replace it. Your approach of invasions and occupation bears no real resemblance exempt in a badly placed name. Please, no more of these slight of hand wordplay tricks, they are rather ridiculous and convincing only to the ignorant.
Now for the matter at hand. I know you see this war as an us vs. them, the army of good vs. the forces of evil (pinky inserted in corner of mouth), and though I find that to be an easily digestible talking point, I fear it grossly oversimplifies the situation. To begin with, I would drop the communist comparison. In truth, that has almost nothing to do with this situation, and it has nothing to do with the trite "living and dieing" cliche you used. Personally I believe the Samual Huntington analysis of clash of civilizations is closer, but it has its flaws as well. We are not facing a bunch of suicidal zombies trying to kill the world, and as informants in the organizations, experts, intelligence people and pretty much anybody who looks into the matter know, these people don't "want" to die any more than any soldier wants to die, though they will. This is not to say that they are right, correct or not the enemy, but as any general will tell you, if you listen to them and not just fire them when they disagree, is that you must know your enemy, and from your statement you obviously don't know shit.
A quick update for reference purposes-
-There are two main Islamic sects- Shi'a and Sunni
-Osama Bin Laden and his followers are Wahhabi (which is a Sunni sect)
-Iraq under Saddam was a secular country which basically made it an enemy of
Osama, Iran, and most of its neighbors
- Most of the 9/11 attackers and a large number of Jihadists are also Sunni and are
usually handled and/or financed via either Saudi Arabia or Egypt
- Most jihadist fighters come out of Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Gaza.
First, lets realize that the majority of this enemy are not suicide bombers, as many reports and intelligence resources have shown and you have undoubtedly seen. Most are straight fighters/soldiers who train and use guerrilla tactics. They have a cause, and they fight for that cause and die for it like most soldiers. Some of their tactics are cruel, heinous and criminal. In Iraq the groups are fighting to push the US out of Iraq, and they often use any tactic to do so. Most believe they are fighting for their country as they see it should be, be that misguided or not. Unquestionably they don't want to die but many do so. Think of the experiences in the past, the battle for Algiers, Vietnam, Bosnia, etc.. Suicided tactics where used in all of them, and it wasn't because the individuals wanted to die, it was a cause. And you and we need to recognize that. We need to look at what is behind this, what is the motivation. Then we need to look at other groups like Bin Laden and his ilk, and look at their motivations. They are against US involvement in Saudi Arabia and the Saudi government, and against Israel and US involvement there, basically US involvement in the Middle East and against Muslims (Sunni). If they are against Western values, and freedom and democracy and want to kill every living freedom loving person, then why not bomb the Netherlands? Or France? Or Canada? There is reasoning, and this is an intelligent enemy that you obviously don’t understand based on your resignation speech. You as President, should have looked into knowing thy enemy. This is not just one whole big enemy, but many different enemies with different causes which must be understood.
Why is it that some educated, intelligent individuals become suicide bombers? You can say they are crazy and we don't understand the threat, but I believe you are just sticking your head in a hole like usual. Why do all these individuals share the same background of marginalization, poverty, limited opportunities in the future, and exposure to battle/violence such as bombings civilian deaths etc.? Why are most of these people from groups that have no true militaries and have been dominated by Western or Western supported countries? We have the keys to this puzzle but nothing is solved by pigheaded generalizations and assertions of wanting to wipe out the world and hating freedom and democracy every where. The links to this conflict lie in actions of the past and conflicts, in the roots of policy decisions linking back, and the feeling of victimization and confrontation in the Middle East. It is historical to a large degree. These people don't hate us so much because what we are but what we do, and we need to understand that. If we don't we lose, because our actions will just serve to push others to the enemy and give foundation to their assertions about the us.
"You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us...."
Oh, please stop that line. Your actions abroad obviously haven't help save very many American lives, and in truth seem to have endangered us more. We now have a region against us as well as a even stronger terrorist network across most of Asia. Yes, you will tell us that there is so much good that you have done that we don't know about, national secrets and all, but we have to trust you in that its true. But so far you have been wrong more than right. And anyone can claim anything when all we have is one circumstantial fact. You know, we didn't have any major terrorist attacks in the 50's to 80's, still doesn't really prove anything. Lets leave this ambiguous and shaky assertion aside, and call it moot.
"I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'." Touche, the US public attention span is short, but the public is against your war not because its long, but because you have yet to justify it in any comprehensible manner (the war in Iraq is not US vs. "Terrorists" - to be defined at whim) and you are losing it to boot. We want a reason to have our children maimed and killed, not "to finish a difficult fight" for nothing in particular. You obviously haven't read to much history yourself, here are some reading clues: Algeria, Iraq, Palestine, Middle East, British, French, Scottish. Look it up. Don't try to assert our non understanding of history, in such a pathetic, unsubstantiated manner, without understanding it yourself. Disagreement with you doesn’t prove ignorance. Instead of constantly saying look at history, CITE SOMETHING MORON!!!
"Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing."
WHAT?!!! What are you, some sort of inbred spineless toad? Lay off the hashish Habib. Common on, "Reading the New York Times supports the enemy" etc. And its not that original really since those type of arguments are the same used by Stalin and others like him. In truth I think the argument is stronger if you say watching Fox News and supporting your administration is more likely to support the enemy, since all the intelligence reports by YOUR ADMINISTRATION and assessments both military and intelligence wise have pointed to incredible increases in Jihadists due to Iraq, “shock and awe”, and your administrations policies. And recent reports have noted increases in funding for those groups. I don't believe that the New York Times and Democrats could do as good of a job on that issue as you and your followers have done on your own. Please stay away from you rambling BS like your last statement. I know you are saying it for your base who are the only people who would swallow that illogical propaganda mess, but still its insulting to any one with a mind.
"In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol."
Yes, yes yes, American's are idiots when they don't agree with you. And the truth of progress and victory is being hidden by a conspiracy of the entire world media, and only you can see the truth. The same guy who saw the truth of WMDs, and you know who really killed Kennedy. We aren’t as dumb as you hoped, and now you are bitter. Take comfort in the fact that we were gullible and stupid enough to follow you into this mess, despite our "spineless" decision to resist going further into this quagmire.
"I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads."
You are right, why have a government to bail you out? We should have a military, a national guard, FEMA, and all that stuff just for show. And we should have a President just for show as well. I love your technique of screwing up and then blaming the victims. Grab your boot straps and pull harder, its not my fault the government didn't respond well, I am just the President. Your poor because you don’t work hard enough and in trouble because you are poor. Not my responsibility. Good show fearless leader.
I do hope you enjoy Crawford, though I don't think you have missed it much with the record number of Presidential vacations you have taken down there. I am sure we Americans take comfort in the fact that you were safe there during the length of Katrina. And don't worry about Pelosi, et al., so far the nation hasn't been as royally screwed up by presidents in the past to the extent you have done, be them Democrat or Republican. But I will give you credit in saying that you will not be forgotten, so 2008 will not be an issue. But I will say, no matter who comes into power, they are going to have issues extracting us from you mess.
As you say, we don't understand, and it is only thanks to your great understanding that we do not slip into the abyss. But I must say, you have a strange understanding, from WMDs to insurgencies, and "victory". Let me drop the sarcasm just for the moment. Mr. President, you are a self-righteous and very dangerously mentally challenged man. You try to force the truth into your beliefs and when it does not fit you attack those who do not believe your lies. The emperor has no close and the majority of the People are laughing because you are naked. We do understand, and we do see the situation as it is, having rejected your strange demented warping which has been proven incredibly wrong countless times. Now you threaten us with disaster that is unseen if we don't continue to follow you unquestioningly as before. The only true disaster and chaos that seriously threatens our nation and our freedom is that which you have brought upon us. While Pakistan (supposedly) and NATO go after the true 9/11 threat, our men and women are dieing in greater numbers than 9/11 for nothing you can really articulate clearly, let alone justify. The two wars don’t connect either.
I find it it ironic that you should feel that we, as a whole, are not your "fellow Americans". We are a government for the people (Americans) by the people (Americans yet again), and should you feel we are not your fellow Americans, then there is no people, no government, no president, and your resignation would be moot. I fear this hints at a flaw in your approach, fatal and entrenched, that is the persistence to deem those who disagree with you to be un-American, though you cannot truly refute or answer their arguments. We are Americans, and we choose you, you do not choose us. And I will say we are not perfect for we chose you. But we know when we are wrong, and we know now that you are too. Judge us as you want, and babble on about history judging you, but trust me, history will be no kinder. But I feel that as the majority of Americans we would to say to you this one last thing before accepting your resignation;
you're fired.
Signed,
The Majority of Citizens of the United States of America
Though it is a long speech offered in rebuttal to the satirical resignation, it is mostly bloviation with intelligent substance that asytotically approaches zero as the length of the piece increases. Opinionated and even passionate, but sub-90 for an "IQ of author" rating.
Another 28%er responds. I bet you forwarded this e-mail to your friends. Why don't you kill yourself and do the country a favor fuckstick?
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