Fw: Muslim Union Cuts Benefits for Martyrs

Muslim Union cuts benefits for martyrs

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.


Anonymous said...

Um... ok?

Except that this stupid little "joke" can't even hold its own flimsy internal logic together. First they say that demand for virgins is outstripping supply. They they say that demand is falling. These are contradictions.

Holy Hell, wingnuts, can you're stupid jokes at least try to keep a straight story?

ferschitz said...

I think they sent around something stupid like this before. Must be a slow "nooz" day, so they hadda dig up an "olde" to gin up today's fake conservative outrage over nothing.

Anonymous said...

The first two comments are all the proof we need that "liberal sense of humor" is an oxymoron...they just don't have the mental capacity to get it. Poor pathetic things.

Anonymous said...

The first two comments are all the proof we need that "liberal sense of humor" is an oxymoron

Sorry, fail. Liberals do indeed have a sense of humor. Its one of the ways we cope with wingnuts and all their nutty bullshit.

But let me clue you in on a little secret: for people with a real sense of humor to laugh at something it has to actually be funny! Just cobbling together some racist gobblydegook and a few tired cliches doesn't make something funny.

Anonymous said...

Actually, those jihadists are being lied to; if its minus 25% virgins, that equals only 54 virgins, not 60.

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