This is awesome.
RECALL NOTICE:
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Pat ience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
- GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!
Because He Lives!
"In God We Trust!"
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11 comments:
The whole notion of a perfect God issuing a recall notice spoils the fun a bit, but pretty clever, I must say.
"DANGER: The human being units not responding
to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace."
What religious forward is complete without the
threat of eternal torture?
Eh, this one doesn't bug me too much. It's a religious forward with a focus on a particular brand of Christianity, but hey, freedom of religion and all that. Nothing about ramming it down our throats in the public sphere, nothing about how the guy who preached compassion for the poor wants to reward the rich through tax cuts.
I give it a "better than usual".
Noticeably lacking in the list of 9 "symptoms"--Lack of Empathy--the most serious defect currently facing our culture.
Could be worse, but I do wish these religious conservatives would actually follow the teachings Jesus. It certainly would make for a much better world.
They could start by immediately exhibiting the 9 "replacements" that Jesus has ALREADY given to them. They have eyes: now see what Jesus has given you and just do it, instead of endlessly talking about it (there is a difference).
Of course, the colorful fonts, esp the obligatory (but basically meaningless) "In God We Trust" make it ever so much more compelling... /s
Hey, that dark skinned guy who wanted everyone to have free health care wasn't Obama, it was Jesus from your bible.
Well said, Ralph. I concur.
Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.
Matthew 10: 7-9
Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.
Matthew 4: 22-24
If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
Leviticus 25:35
A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor.
Proverbs 22:8-10
Looking at his disciples, he said: "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
Luke 6:20
The view among people who take the "none of MY money for THOSE bums" stance seems to be that Jesus asked people to voluntarily join him in doing God's work.
And since it's voluntary, they're not going to try to do any of it.
Prosperity Xtian churches (usually backed by some branch of the C Street "Family" church - Doug Coe's outfit - which pushes this junk for political purposes) pump out the nonsense that God only "likes" those who are rich.
If you're poor, it's because you deserve to be and because you're bad and god doesn't like you.
So rich people are then instructed not to help the poor because to do so is counter to "god's plan." And then they cherry pick that one quote in the Bible (from John?) where it says "the poor will always be among us." So: that's that.
It's easy to find Bible verses to justify almost any behavior.
BRAVO !!!! Something lighthearted about a serious issue. Jesus did die so that ALL (right or left wing)people could be saved if they repent from their sinful nature from an eternity in hell.
To last Anon post: that's your belief, and you're entitled to it.
Not everyone believes that, and guess what: the USA still does have the concept of "religious freedom," which means that other philosophies and religions are allowed.
Not everyone agrees with you. Get used to it.
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