Fw: Threat Alerts

Subject: Threat Alerts


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person


ferschitz said...

Well well, John Cleese is *leftwing* (uh, he came out in favor of Obama, fwiw, albeit as a British citizen - which some birthers *claim* that Obama is "really" a Brit bc of his Kenyan socialist dad, but I digress - Cleese cannot vote in USA elections) so, naturally, THIS is hysterical!!!

Thanks, rightwingers, for actually seeing the light and figuring out that it's leftwingers who are really funny.

And duly noted that whilst Cleese "puts down" other nations, it's only *after* he mocks his own country (and also himself).

How'd this one get in here?? A breath of sanity & silliness for a change.

Anonymous said...

Agreed, I love Johnny and his life's work, and this is good. (Assuming its from him, which can never be assumed here.) I think for a contard this is funny because it makes fun of furiners and their funny armies. If he had included the U.S., our terror levels might be "never heard of the issue", "ignoring the issue" and "massive retaliation to terrible thing that might have been prevented had we been paying attention in the first place." The contards wouldn't think that so funny.

Anonymous said...

These stereotypes would have made a bit more sense before France and Britain became the ones pushing for drastic military intervention in Libya. In fact, Sarkozy is about to be sued for leading the charge.

gruaud said...

If it was from Cleese, he would have poked fun at the US, too.

It was written by a guy named John Humberstone.

Marc with a C said...

Poor John Cleese and Stephen Fry. They always get credited for recycled crap, as they are usually the only Brits your average American can pick out of a lineup (along with Winston Churchill and James Bond). Also, this dates back to at least 2002, if not earlier.

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