Fwd: Fwd: If Only it was this simmple [sic]

This would-be presidential speech forward was found by our regular contributer, Dana. This was sent in before, but here it glows passionately in full color text. Before you read this patriotic address, may I suggest you ready yourself by standing on your desk and clenching your fists? It should be proudly read it out loud, perhaps with a bull horn (if available). Important: Stomp your foot when it comes to the "thank a soldier" closer.

This marks the birth of a new MRWD key word: DARN TOOTIN.
-----begin forward-----



'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year
alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down
and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mes amies, Gl?ck meine Freunde, y?a?a mo? ?py?b?.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty
pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not ticking us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra
thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put'em?

Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin'.

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America .. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak

God bless America .. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading this in English, thank a soldier.


Potato Head said...

Also on List 2 would be Israel, recipient of about 1/3 of all that foreign aid the writer rants about. Let's see: all foreign aid (including military assistance) comes to about $25B annually. The Iraq War costs $341M a day (www.costofwar.com). So all yearly foreign assistance to Israel et al. equals roughly two months of the Iraq War. So much for "pretty much pay[ing] for the costs of the Iraqi war," let alone rescuing Social Security. Move Israel to List 1 (give it a freebie) and the savings come to about one month of the cost of the war.

It's really difficult to believe Americans are this stupid. But then I look at their President and I realize that the Frenchman was right: Over time, people get the government they deserve.

staush said...

I would hate for this speech to happen. Am I the only one who likes that I can go almost anywhere in the world I want for up to 90 days without a visa?

Oh, and China not recalling all those bonds once we take our ball and go home, crushing our economy. I'd like to avoid that too. And probably one or two other unforeseen consequences of such galactic scale douchebaggery.

Kevin said...

"Galactic scale douchebaggery"--I believe that's one of the planks of this year's RNC national platform.

I laugh to keep from crying, and cry to keep from laughing.

Mark SJ said...

"Galactic scale douchebaggery"--I believe that's one of the planks of this year's RNC national platform."

EVERY year's platform.

The amount of rage within these idiots is stunning. No understanding of governance, no understanding of world affairs and interrelationships... just "me me me me me me mine mine mine mine".

Sanjo in Canada said...

Oh boo hoo, we Canadians "ticked off" the poor, poor Americans. We are so evil, let us get down on our knees.

Anonymous said...

on so many levels that it's nearly impossible to describe: EPIC FAIL.

Yeah: let's just not help any of the third world: they can just eat $&!t and die... why how compassionate of you. I'm so sure that's what Jesus would say and do.

Galactic level douchebaggery only begins to describe the assininity and ridiculousness of junk like this.

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