If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some of his gems:
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back."
"Half the people you know are below average."
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
"All those who believe in psycho-kinetics, raise my hand."
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
"OK, so what 's the speed of dark?"
"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now."
"If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?"
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
....and an all-time favorite:
"I intend to live forever; so far, so good."